The Last for 2015

What a year, what a last couple of months it has been and what a journey the Lord has taken me on. And the best part is the rest of my life story has yet to be written. There are uncharted waters and oceans, there are more paths to travel through that have been less traveled by, there is so much more to see. Let's not leave it to places but to people; as well as their hearts. I want to see the old familiar places with new eyes. I want to listen to old songs as if I'm hearing them for the first time. I want to move in ways my body has never known before and remember to dance so it will be forever in muscle memory. Nothing forced, it will come naturally then eventually into the supernatural.

For awhile in my house, I decided to do something I've never really done that was probably a little crazy, just outside my comfort zone involving my eyesight. Ever since elementary school, I've always worn glasses and was heavily dependent on them as I grew older because my eyesight got worse. I am reminded through His word in 2 Corinthians 5:7 that we live by faith, not by sight. So I dared myself to not wear my glasses or my contact lenses for several days whenever I'm in the house, still doing the normal things I would do on a daily basis. I know that to someone else who may be observing me, I was like a blind woman putting my face up close to objects I could not read from far away. It was like seeing all my photos in bokeh form: everything was a real big blur! However, my heart was willing to live out the faith that was put in me. I was determined to outsmart my eyes in the physical realm which led me to rely on my other senses. This simple act exercised my memory when I had to remember where I last left my keys; it strengthened my sense of hearing and touch in ways I never knew I could before. I was able to go around my house without my glasses or contact lenses, and in a way, I was denying myself. I operated less in the flesh and allowed the Holy Spirit to work in me when I walked by faith, not by sight. Imagine what it's like to be a person completely without sight! Imagine what it's like to not be able to use your legs. Imagine what it's like to have no arms. When you lack something in the physical, the way I see it when you have God, you rely on the things you already have and improve on them. You get stronger and become this SUPERHUMAN. You will never go wrong when God is the source of Your strength and willpower.

When I do use my contact lenses, I see normally.
However, I've been told that I have tunnel vision as if I was actually blind.

I just like to think that I choose what I want to see. When you really focus your attention on something, nothing else matters. You block out your peripherals, your ears pinpoint one particular sound ignoring all the other extra unnecessary noise. Sometimes I would say to myself that I have ADD/ADHD or something because I would get easily distracted. But I've firmly decided that that's not the case. It took a lot of growing pains to get to this point and now that I'm in the adult world figuring it all out (honestly, I think I will be figuring it out for the rest of my life because there is no adult that has it all figured out.), I have a better perspective, better outlook on life when I rely less on my own senses. I see things more clearly when I don't believe everything that I see. I have better hearing or rather a better understanding when I listen to more than one side of the story; there's more listening, less talk. I can touch, I can feel, I can move, I can sing. And I may look or sound like a crazy person but that's what happens when you love a supernatural God! There's this radical change if you even dare allow yourself to be used in that way!

It's scary. Yet that's what makes me so excited to step into this new year. Most definitely I will experience more pains in the world of being an adult. For sure I will experience an even greater joy as I learn more about myself and discover what I am capable of, keeping in mind that I am a daughter of the One true King. Most of all, the actions and steps that will come to life. I am claiming that even though I am human having my own limitations, doubts and paralyzing fears. It's high time to move past that. I can be afraid and say whatever I want but my words have no meaning if action is not present with my faith!

2015 was full of milestones and new seasons.
I am most certain that this new year is another level for me to step to. More achievements to unlock as well as the most daring adventures to embark on. I am declaring that this new year will be the year I will finally meet the man that God has been and still preparing for me. There. I said it. God revealed to me many weeks ago that it will be like I'm meeting him for the very first time when I've only really looked at him as if he was a brother to me.

I am ready for what 2016 has for me, good and bad. Even if my heart will break, I am ready. Even if I make a complete fool of myself, I am ready. Even if it means giving up some dreams, I am ready. Even if people will hate me for it, I am ready. I will continue to speak this over my life, no matter what I may feel or think.

As long as God is with me through and through, I am ready for 2016.

Arthur Abbott once said:

"...in the movies we have the leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."

To be completely honest, I have always perceived myself as a supporting role, never the leading lady (much less a "co-star"). My Father has removed the blindfold from my spiritual eyes in order to make me see my true self. In the past, I have been interested in how others, who more or less do not know the real me, see me. And I just based my identity off of that without even realizing it. I would adjust to their standards, or rather, try to please everyone as if I'm some sort of shape-shifter. I can be anything that you want me to. 

And that was it.

I had a hard time just being myself!

Call it what you will, we can come up with the names and labels all day long because at the end of the day, it never really mattered in the first place. I have been redeemed, I am setting myself in the image that Christ sees me as. His daughter, His beloved, His bride. With every flaw and mistake I have made, I am considered beautiful. For every wrong turn I have made, He made me in right standing. I am perfectly imperfect. I trip and sometimes almost fall to the ground or stub my toe hoping no one saw that. I can be lady-like because that was how I was raised. I can also run wild & free and still make-believe, dream big and take risks. I mean, isn't that what FAITH is all about? I never want to lose my inner-child as an adult. That sense of wonder that just makes me in awe of my Creator who has blessed me to even see the richness and goodness that's still left in this world. I believe with all my heart, mind and soul, with everything that I am, even as I run out of words because I know that sometimes words fail... I still hold fast to what I have decided when I was in the 3rd grade, when I was in the 7th & 8th grade, when I graduated high school most especially when I graduated college. 

Despite everything that is wrong in this world, I still BELIEVED. It's hard growing up in California or maybe any part of the world. But when I met with numerous, differently cultured people in the 24 years of my existence, there was so much individuality. There are people who chose to be different and liked being weird! I was never alone even when I felt like God was "far away". Isn't that amazing?? If you really think about it... even when you feel like God is absent, just look around or talk to someone! That person may be in the same boat as you! And that, my friend, is God reminding you that you are not on a no-man's land. 

I admired uniqueness which brings me to my own name.

My name wasn't different because there were so many Rachels. I thought it was too plain and common or not pretty enough to be honest. I remember as a kid, I liked the name Isabelle or Isabella because it was pretty. However, God purposely gave me the name Rachel... it's funny because I would say, "I need to find my Jacob!" and I grew to love my name because of the magnificent story in the bible. (Genesis 29) I take pride in this story but at the same time, I am humbled. (side note: I have a really good friend named Lea so we would always laugh and call ourselves Jacob's wives) So you see names have an impact on me. I think it's important to really remember names because imagine having your name forgotten. Things get personal when you address a person BY NAME. Think about it. 

GOD CALLS YOU BY NAME. He knows YOU. 

 I would get surprised when someone I may not know personally greets me with my name. I would think to myself, "Wow, this person knows my name!" I would be surprised that there are people who even consider me. Which would also reveal something else about me in connection to what I have said earlier: I felt more genuine, more ME when I felt like no one was watching or listening to me. Maybe it doesn't make sense but I like to think that no one could see me so I don't have to worry about how others perceive me.

I felt led to write here as God has been revealing to me so much... talking to God meant a lot of listening on my part. It also meant to keep silent when necessary. There is a time for everything, good and bad (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

This is me.

Rachel Jean 

Well, in blog form anyway.
until next post!

Disconnect to Reconnect

As many voices rang loudly in my mind, there was only one that I know to be true.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. (John 10:27)

In the past, I would pray and pray for His voice to be known to me. I wanted to know which voice is of the Father and which are from the enemy who constantly tells me lies. My faith was put to the test recently which prompted me to disconnect from social media so that I may dig deeper in His word and to just commune with God. I contacted different people to stand by me in prayer to make sure that I am not alone in this and so that there will be witnesses to what I was testifying.

I was taught so much! God gave me revelation after revelation of the things that have happened to me. I spent time with family without having to look at my phone a lot of the time. It was nice to just talk and listen to people because the focus on myself was removed. Honestly, I have to keep reminding myself that the world does not revolve around me. I have to keep telling myself day in and day out that there is a supernatural God at work in my heart as well as in the heart of others. His Spirit is ever present in a world that can make you feel so alone sometimes. He gives me this unspeakable joy that I cannot explain. God has this sense of humor because indeed there are no accidents. I was so amazed by God and my life that He had me review and to just look back, reflect on what I missed when I was so focused on situations and problems I was facing. I lived in fear and would regret on things I should have done.

There needs to be more disconnection from the social media life in order to reconnect with God. It's necessary in order to demolish a mindset that I've put up for myself. I held on to my faith more tightly as I had to let go of how people saw me and comparing myself to others. God gave me assurance through His word that I am loved, I am valued and He has a home in my heart. His Spirit lives in me wherever I go.

He put it in my heart that I will be back in the Philippines one day and I'm not sure what for but I have to go back in faith. I didn't realize that there are many people back home that actually cared and see what I'm up to... God told me to "review your last 4 years and tell me that you won't be back." I made my own plans but His will shall prevail. I am no longer afraid because I stand in the conviction that is His word that is TRUE & ALIVE. This last week seemed like a dream to be real. But I thank the Lord for His faithfulness that was demonstrated through my families and through the people He put in my life. I'm thankful for His grace that soaks me and cleanses me each and every day leaving me refreshed and renewed. What a joy it is to be loved and to love others!

"All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:25-27 NIV)

More than a label.

Yes, I am a Born-Again Christian.
Yes, I go to church.

The list goes on.

The usual questions and the same answers, plain and simple. As if there isn't anything more behind our one sentence answers. On the contrary, there is so much more behind our "Yes, I'm a Christian." And from now on, every time a person will ask me about God, I will ask that person to lunch at a nice cafe and just talk about my relationship with Him. Because the "I go to church" isn't enough and our answers shouldn't end there. My heart wants to share more, I have this burning desire to reach out to those who have never encountered God. I want others to know that I am not just a church-goer. I want others to know that He is a jealous God. I want others to know that He is in a great pursuit for the lost. It hurts me sometimes to see where some of my friends have ended up in their walk with God and live their lives as if He isn't there at all. My heart aches for the souls who are lost, who are seeking the pleasures of this world, who hate God.

I honestly don't know how to tell some of my friends who are leading lives that are not honoring God. I've even tried to break it to them gently and maybe even sugar coating it or condensing the truth that is not His word. What's even worse is I compromise my own values telling them that it's okay when it's actually not. How do I tell the people who are closest to me and the ones I love the most that God disciplines those He loves? How do I speak the truth from His word that needs to be heard when some may choose to not listen at all? How can God even use me when I have problems with talking and staying relevant? It would be easier to just live my life in peace without having to worry about anyone else, but what kind of a life would that be if I didn't share this abounding love and eternal joy with all my friends? That's something too good to not share!

So instead of focusing on the sins of others, I want to share my life and the story He has written. I want to share my hopes and dreams. I want to spend as much time as I can with those who are willing to listen and to talk about the most important things in the world.

Being a Christian is more than a label to me.
A Christian is a Christ-follower.
Going to church and reading the bible is important too but not the basis of having a relationship with Christ. We need to go to church to be rooted with God as well as with other believers. We need to read His word to be in communication and most importantly to know God. However, those things does not mean I am a Christian.

Okay, enough sharing for me on the internet. Get to know me. Send me a text or a Facebook message. Let's talk!

Novelty

This morning was one of those rare moments I wake up at 5 AM and it has nothing to do with school. It was amazing to say the least. I am truly an early bird, morning person and that will never ever change. This will definitely be a reinforced habit especially for when I go back home.

Another rare moment is discovering a crowd at a nearby park having a free aerobics class. emphasis on free. Best believe I did some movin' and groovin' even though the moves were straight up basic. You only live once right?

I was reminded once again of God's faithfulness this morning. I was reminded of His extravagant beauty and His abounding love for me. I think this is why getting enough hours of sleep is vital so I can experience mornings such as this. I've discovered that I really like going outside when I exercise and one of these days, I want to hike before I leave. It is in these mornings that I wake up having no obligation to go anywhere at a certain time but to just experience the goodness of God. Never mind that I'm human, forget the fact that I'm inconsistent and most of the time if not sometimes, irresponsible with my free time. I hold on to the God who holds the universe who never changes, who always was, who is, and who will be; who has been here and no matter where I go because He is certainly everywhere. Isn't that reassuring? I can't imagine my life without any of these. No matter how many times I run away or fall to ground, I can always go running back to the Father and He is there to help me when I get right back up. I can fail a thousand times and that would not matter because no matter the circumstance that I may find myself in, HE IS GOOD.

If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

1 John 1:9

From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge. 

Psalm 61:2-3

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom... Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:12, 14

The Last 4 Years pt. 1

I'll never forget my very first day of college in the Philippines. The all too familiar first day jitters that came with everything else that was so new and foreign to me. Instead of white college-ruled paper, students here used yellow pad paper. Instead of 3 ring binders, they had small notebooks to take down notes. It even took me about two months to address my teachers "Ma'am" or "Sir". And after nearly 4 years, I still speak English the majority of the time and eat the same food that's not Filipino.

I'll never forget the people who have impacted my life, great or small. Whether they affected my life in a bad or good way, they shaped me and taught me many life lessons. I am forever grateful for each and every person I've crossed paths with. From the people I looked to with highest regard to those who really stretched my patience. I'll cherish the God talks, heart-to-hearts, funny stories, and all the venting about school and bad professors. So many faces come to mind as I look back and reflect on these 4 years. I reminisce on the first encounters and the mundane moments because those are probably my favorite to look back on. Everything else is already recorded and posted on Facebook and Instagram. I'll never forget the faces I see from far away, the faces I see online but fail to establish a friendship. I honestly regret not being friends with them and I have myself to blame. In my mind throughout the entire time, I would say to myself, "we could have been good friends." If you are one of those people I never got the chance to personally get to know, just know that you made a difference in my life one way or another. I don't care who you are, you are valued and I am thankful for you.

I'll never forget the sights and scenes of this country. The beautiful and the ugly. Everything. Everywhere I go, I take it all in: the smells, the heat, the pollution, the greenery, the tall buildings, and I can't believe I'm saying this but even the construction. That one is unforgettable even though I experience it back home in California, but to see construction around every corner no matter where I go, there's always something going on. If you know me, it bothered me whenever I walked around the city. A pretty funny creepy memory I'll make special mention was that night I was walking home by myself and this construction worker asked me in Tagalog where I was going home. And I just kept walking but in a faster pace with a pissed look on my face. From then on, I would be searching for safe sidewalks to embark without having to worry about creepy construction workers.

I was never much of a city girl but I somehow adjusted to the urban life. The convenience of having 2 McDonald's and 2 7-Elevens. A Pan de Manila just downstairs that leaves my lobby smelling like bread almost every day. Getting used to being called "Ma'am" when I'm only in my early 20s because hearing someone call me "Ma'am" made me sound old. Having someone greet me every time I leave my building and arrive from school. I felt comfortable although this place isn't really my true home. It wasn't my hometown. There were days I could easily hail a taxi cab and then there were days it would be a huge struggle in getting anywhere during rush hour.

So I shall continue this in more posts and for the last few months that I'm here, I will do my best to document every detailed experience that I've had here that may seem everyday to a Filipino or these writings may seem unusual and unheard of. I am only doing this for me to look back on in years to come and say to myself, "This happened?? I don't remember!" We'll see how this all turns out... until next post!

3:22 AM Thoughts

1. Why on earth am I awake? I mean, I know I can sleep late, wake up late and all because I can but I am a firm believer of having a good 5 to 8 hours of sleep. And how is that possible, you may wonder, that, as a 4th year nursing student, I can get enough sleep? Time management? Nah. I choose sleep over anything especially if my mind and body are much too tired to function which would result in poor attention span in my studies and requirements would not be done properly. A nap is definitely necessary. always. However, tonight is just something else. I have things that need to be done and here I am, procrastinating as I am typing out this post.

I am constantly learning to manage my time wisely.

2. Bryant McGill has said, "There is a difference between giving-up and strategic disengagement. Know the difference." And I like to think that my decision involving what I want to do in life (even though I don't really know as of now) is not merely giving-up. Right now, I am strategically disengaging myself because I am in pursuit of discovering myself and along the way, find out what I am capable of. I want to do something that will make me happy and most passionate. Most importantly, whatever it is that I will be doing, it will bring God the glory. And now a really good question to ask myself right now is am I bringing God the glory right now? I still have to give my 100% in whatever I am doing now or in the future because it's not for me, it's for God.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails

Proverbs 19:21

3. Tori Kelly on repeat.

Baby, you don't have to know exactly who you are
Because figuring it all out could be the best part

Don't quit your daydream
Don't forget to breathe
Who you want to be is only up to you
Sometimes you may crawl
Let them think that you're small
Cuz it's so worth the fall 
When you land where you want to

5 months more.

Walking aimlessly in circles, stuck in the same place once again. I know where I should be, where I need to be but how do I get there? Caught between what is right for everyone and what is right for me, I am still in the waiting as I search for a way out. Every corner is scrutinized for some secret lever that would open up an uncharted passage. An undiscovered path I have yet to take. Sure, it's dangerous and this vision that I have of my future is hazy but I tell myself that it is all part of the adventure. I am certain that this path is meant for me to take on whether it is right or wrong. The biggest mistake I can ever make is playing it safe. 

It is a leap of faith involving no safety net. I would be crossing a vast ocean in months time to start an exciting chapter, a new part of my life that will finally take its course. This journey is a story that's waiting to happen. Full of mistakes and tests that will make me and break me. I am ready for a life that will not be easy as I enter a whole new world of responsibilities and obligations. Of course, the misadventures in the midst of the adventures are bound to happen. And that's how I would step into the adult world. With a child-like faith and a fresh yet different perspective, I'll take on life's challenges and never ever forget to have fun. Laugh at myself and be silly once in awhile. I suppose, in a way, I would not be your average grown up because in my heart, I don't think I'll ever grow up. 

Going back to the same place I've been, I relish this moment that will soon become a blur. A memory that I can hold on to until it is boxed away, out of sight. For now, I reflect on today for it is a precious gift that is often taken for granted. I am too much of a dreamer to not plan and ready myself for what I cannot avoid. Soon and very soon, I shall leave the comforts and safety of my nest of a home. 

I only have 5 months more.

The Value of Friendship

Throughout the first day of my exams, I had a heavy heart and was unsure as to why I felt that way. By the time I reached the door of my unit, I was in tears. I felt broken and just confused with what happened earlier in the week. My tears turned into cries then eventually into uncontrollable sobs. The reason for grieving is not as important as what I want to share with you here.

God has impeccable timing because He held everything together for me and helped me brave my exams until I got home (without Him, I think I would have been crying in the middle of my exams). When I entered my place, I saw that my friend left notes and her cupcake for me, and guess what? that made me cry even more! (I am such a crybaby!) I love how God uses people in my life to speak to me and shows His love for me even if it's in the smallest way, I greatly appreciate those moments.

My friend wrote me a letter that reads:

           You are a fighter! A warrior princess says the Lord. "Prepare the horse for the day of battle." The things you are experiencing now are meant to get you ready to fight! You'll be facing a lot of great battles but remember that it is not the horse or sword that will hold you up and deliver you on the day of trouble but the Lord Jesus Christ!

          Call upon Him and shout His name! Declare your identity in Christ in front of your enemies! Like David said in Psalms 23, "You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies!" While the enemies try to distract you, you just "dine with Jesus!" Fellowship with Him. Enjoy His presence! He loves you ETERNALLY, not just "to the moon and back." lol

And it didn't stop there. She really gave me a surprise! And this was on her birthday too!

Upper right: she recently learned what bae actually means. Lower left: a representation of my friend's birthday from last year and this year... there's still a balloon like last year! Lower right: she left around 5 of these post-it notes around my place!

It is such a blessing to have friends who push you closer to God and I believe relationships like that are important to have. The value of friendship is just as important as that of family and much greater than any value we put on love relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends, especially when Jesus is at the center. Sometimes, I might have every reason to feel bitter towards someone or jealous and picking sides, talking behind their backs, but Jesus removes all of that. Each day He gradually changes my heart and allows me to forgive and love others despite what I should feel and even if it doesn't make sense. I value friendship so much to let any outside force break it, because I wouldn't want to lose a friend over little drama and tensions that happen. His love makes me want to love others and just share it! Soon enough, you will forget yourself meaning that it was never about you all along. You will see that there is a greater, bigger picture and God is doing something behind the scenes. It's more than about your life and how you personally feel but about God and other people who are strategically placed in your life. And all you want to do is be a part of what God is doing just to give Him the glory. There is so much more to life than the temporary things of this world.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."

Philippians 2:3-5

That was what my friend reminded me that day when I came home: the beauty of friendships and His love that conquers all. 

All Along (Psalm 51:12)

You were the One I've been waiting for. The Love of my heart's desire, the Joy of my salvation. Why did I have to wait when You were waiting for me all along? You are the One true Love that is perfect and abounding that has unfailingly won my fickle heart over and over. Yet, You still love me despite the countless times I have ran away looking for love in the wrong places, seeking satisfaction in the things of this temporary world. When in fact, happiness was not the need for it was the joy I have desired all along. It can never be found anywhere or in anything of this world but in the Giver of joy Himself. It is when I take delight in my Father and Savior that He restores to me the joy of my salvation. I carry on as I fervently and earnestly seek You above all else with no ulterior motive for my heart knows that it longs for the eternal. As I run to You, there my heart will be pressing on through barriers that hold me to keep me away from You. And when I fall, let it be in the arms of Your love that carries me as a father cradles his daughter to sleep.

You have won the victory in each of my battles in every season. All this time, it was never with my own strength alone but by Your power that pulled me through trials and temptations. I look to the One who is jealous for me and lavishly loves His daughter. I smile from ear to ear at the thought of just how much my Father loves me. I lift my hands as an act of surrender that yearns for His embrace. I want nothing more than the joy and the spirit of freedom.

Every day may You ever be the constant that reminds me that it is Your love. Each moment may You be in the quiet places I find myself in.

Tonight, I was beautifully reminded that it was You all along.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (Ps. 51:12)

In the Wee Small Hours

Today is Monday and for the first time in forever, I am up before the sun rises for no apparent reason. I have no lecture today. I have no duty this week. However, I should be working on my thesis like I told myself that I would. Oh, well. My heart is going through an outpouring, therefore here I am writing this post and I'll see where this goes because I have the biggest tendency to go on random tangents leading to incoherent babbling. So, bear with me if you have been following me on this blog and reading all my posts. I notice from looking at all my posts as a whole, it's indeed all over the place. That's because I am unsure what to make of this blogspot as of now and then there's also the factor of not knowing who reads this.

Anyways, the real reason I am writing this is to share with you about an amazing, awesome, wonderful God that I know and love. So, setting everything about school aside, I need to get this out for my own sake and possibly for those who need this or just want to catch up with what exactly is going on with my life on a spiritual level. I have so much notes typed on my phone, I was wondering when I will ever get around to talking about them individually here.

Grace. It is amazing and sweet sounding. This word has taken hold of my heart as I think about it again and again. It saves me while I am so undeserving. I cannot stress enough how refreshing grace is!

His Grace Changes Everything.

This song could not be any more true to my life at this moment in time because God did something to me last week that definitely changed everything. From miraculously postponing my thesis defense 1 week later to giving me time to focus on my thesis. I actually have no clue how why or when but changing the defense date pushed me to determination that I can finish this with excellence, all for the glory of my Father. I am boldly claiming it whether we reach our goal grade or not because I want to finish this knowing I did my utmost best with God as my source of strength. There is victory no matter what the outcome is. Just several days prior to that date change, I was running on low morale and my mind was not entirely focused on meeting the deadline because a little voice in my head kept saying, "too much to do, not enough time." And that was just one of many I thought to myself. All the worry did not do anything to make the productivity any faster. And then there was grace that came to save the day. I honestly was not expecting God to move on such perfect timing. That's when you know it's all God when events in your life is orchestrated in such a way that's too much for human comprehension. It is not coincidence!

So just imagine yourself dying then you're miraculously brought back to life with 10 more years to live as opposed to 1 month to live. When you have been saved by a life-threatening condition, doesn't that make you want to jump up and down? Doesn't that make you want to rejoice and shout praises to God? Knowing that the only reason you're alive today is all because of the One who saved you. God was abundantly gracious enough to have saved me and my group mates from the jaws of life. (Foreals, this thesis is do or die for my nursing student career) This great news motivated me to go the extra 10 miles giving everything I have for this thesis because my group and I have 1 extra week. So no time shall be wasted on anything else! I will have no excuse because God is a God of second chances. (and third, fourth and fifth chances!) This is all because of His overflowing grace that I do not deserve.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--

Ephesians 2:8

That is why I can lift my head towards heaven singing songs of praise with a smile on my face. It was such an amazing feeling to just worship Him on that beautiful Sunday morning after the storm. I was no longer dreading the coming week but rejoicing from what God did just days before Sunday.

Lord, can I please have more moments like this with You?

"So we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are passing away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are preparing for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

"Message in a Bottle"

There you are standing before me as your gaze holds the truth that pierces through the windows to my soul. Not a word was uttered for it was made perfectly clear from the melodies of your heart that sang to mine. It was not too long ago when you tossed your message in a bottle out into the vast ocean in hopes of finding its way to me. Inside, it contained feelings of hope, love and uncertainty. And now that was what I presented in my hand. I kept the bottle as a secret from you until the moment came for me to reveal what I had which was yours. That moment is now as I am standing before you with my heart in my hand along with your message in a bottle telling you that those feelings of hope, love and uncertainty are also mine.

No words were spoken from that moment on.

For I woke up to find
That it was all just a dream.

second excerpt

As far as the eye can see, an although seemingly frightening journey is an action-packed adventure worth taking and waiting to happen. Because if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough, right? The longer they are deferred, the bigger, louder and scarier it becomes. With much excitement and anticipation, I tightly hold on to the grains of time in the hourglass that gradually sinks deeper. The tighter I grasp, the more easily time slips through my fingers. Allowing the minutes and hours to pass fleetingly, I take them for granted. Then at that moment, I look expectantly towards heaven and pray for direction that leads me to the heart of my dreams. For my soul longs for the day of fulfillment as well as joy in the Everlasting. I yearn for the love of a lifetime as I seek for the Love of eternity. As I wait, I stand patiently in silence and there I was with the answer. "Wait." These grains of sand is what I have as I am bounded by time. These lasting minutes and hours are not to be wasted but to make the most of them and live each day to the fullest. How precious and delicate each second, each grain that falls from the palms of your hands when kept open facing infinity. As the peace and assurance flow through me, I release my tight grasp and let it gradually fall deep below my feet. And in perfect time, I will no longer wait because my dreams will be reality.

I avert my eyes to a journey set before me going towards a destination. For I no longer wait to live out an adventure of a lifetime.

first excerpt

I look beyond what is within my reach to see a vision of a dream that awaits for me. It is a dream that is many moons away that I can barely make out what it is exactly. I just know that it is there and that I must go after it somehow. But in the meantime, I am here not knowing what each day will bring for I am on a ship that never runs a smooth course. Around me, I see figures and bodies go forth in this monotonous routine that seems to never end. I think to myself, "there has to be more to life than this." Everything surrounding me is plain, black and white with no color in sight as if there is no hope for changing course. The path laid out before me is the way to go, I am told. It's what I should do. It's the right thing to do. But setting aside the voices and whispers, what does my Father say? What does my heart say? At this moment in time, I know well enough that the answers will not appear out of thin air with a snap of my fingers. Life never really works that way. However, there is one thing I am certain of and it's this: there is so much more to this life and with each passing day my dreams are getting bigger for my heart to bear. They will soon come to life in its proper time. And the thing is I am not entirely sure what those dreams are. I will surely find out once I take that bold step out of my bubble in this ocean of life. I put my trust in a God who desires me and loves me as I am but loves me too much for me to stay the same. It's frightening but it's well worth the journey.

I look beyond what is within my reach to see a life that was meant for me.

My Emerald City

no longer driven, losing vision

arm stretched out trying to find

a place for my peace of mind

going nowhere fast

how much longer will this last?

heart growing cold, needing a hand to hold

eyes cried out from the love lost

oh, what an unworthy cause

going nowhere fast

how much longer will this last?

Two steps forward, three steps back

Back to the drawing board

Where do I lack

what more can I afford

For time and space is all I need

To create for my soul to feed

Dreams on hold, needless to say

Return I shall to pursue one day

Right or wrong, forward and back

Faith and confidence, what I lack

Around and around I go

going nowhere fast

how much longer will this last?

Big dreams with a bigger reality

that is yet to unfold

Eyes shut tight, feet on the ground

Heels clicked thrice, be bold!

If I may fall

Let it be on my bed of dreams

Waking up to a place 

where I long to be

Fearfully & Wonderfully

It hurts to hear what others say about me. They see my imperfections, my mistakes..

But what hurts me even more is when I see others who I care about seem to have it all together but I can see beneath the surface of it all. It pains me that they place their identity in the ephemeral or in people.

I am writing this for the ones I care about as well as for myself because this is a constant battle. For the ladies, we like to compete with each other when the real enemy is actually ourselves. There are these little voices in our minds that whisper to us that we are not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough and the list goes on. At some point, there may be better days where you actually feel good about yourself but for the wrong reasons.

Instead of giving the attention to yourself, why not look up to the One who is constant and divine? He is perfect and infinitely beautiful. His joy is overflowing and He is the best friend you can ever have.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Whatever anyone else thinks of you or tells you, don't let it get to your head. The most important thing to remember is you. are. LOVED. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, there is a God who is in pursuit of YOU.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made

You are a precious gem stone and a daughter of a King. You are beautiful and mean the entire universe to the One who created YOU. Remember that is what's really important... because nothing on this earth can ever truly satisfy and make you whole.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made

It was never really the outward appearance that made Him love you. He will love you no matter what you look like! Even if you wake up like Beyonce! He looks at the most precious, fragile thing inside you. Your heart is all that He is after.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Say that to yourself over and over again.
Because every day is a battle with those little voices in your head
Every day you have to constantly remind yourself
that you are beautiful because He is beautiful.
Your identity was never in anything or anyone of this world.
Your identity is in Christ.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. 
Psalm 139:14

Wonder as I Wander.

Take two steps forward, and three steps back.
Time escapes me as I am waiting.
I dream, and I dream, then wonder
Why, where and how?

keep my eyes fixed on Your glory
As I wander never will You leave me
I sing from the top of my lungs
from the depths of my heart
with everything that I am

My soul rests in the knowing
that I am saved
rescued from the snares of the enemy
redeemed by the power of Your blood
renewed by the waters of Your grace

All of my life, in every season.

Worship is everything to me and I believe every experience I've ever had with worship was different. Long before I even knew there was such a thing, I first fell in love with music and singing. I wouldn't even be the person that I am today if my mom didn't push me to take piano lessons and eventually, voice lessons. 

I conquered my shyness and overcame many obstacles from then on. Then, there came the lowest point I've ever been in my life to the point where I started to doubt God's existence. I became lost and so confused with so many things at that time, my mom didn't know what to do. But, the only thing she did do was turn to God and surrendered her life to Christ... as well as mine. With that big leap of faith (and up until this day I cannot explain how it happened), the confusion, doubt, and the emotional stress was removed. My mind was renewed and the voice of God rang loud when I first experienced worship.

In the beginning, as I wasn't even saved yet, I loved the songs and just singing them. I joined the church choir and middle school choir not knowing what I was even doing. All I wanted to do was just sing. I wanted to be like the high school kids leading worship up on stage and that was what drew me in... I wanted to worship. I remember how my 7th grade self would feel insecure to even lift a hand up during weekly chapels. Looking back to before I accepted Christ as my Savior as well as the early years of my walk with God, it was just performance. I relied on my talent and my singing was for the sake of singing. 

Fast forward to the end of high school when I started to lead worship in a small church my family was in. Worship became a little more personal than it did before. And each of the worship experiences I had throughout my walk with God were different. There were times where I would find myself not in the right place with God when I worship. Sometimes, I would feel upset on a Sunday morning or I wouldn't even feel alive. How would I encourage the congregation to worship God if I'm in a spiritual drought? Heck, there were days when I would say, "I don't feel like leading worship. I'm tired." I've been there especially when I led every Sunday for such a time. 

Today, I still sing and volunteer to worship on Sundays at a church here in the Philippines. I praise God for the worship leaders who have shown me what worship really is. It was never just singing on Sundays. It was never just the talent or the qualification. It's about God. For the first time in a few years just recently, I led worship for our org's general assembly. Prior to that, I thought to myself, "I want this worship experience to be new and to be all for the glory of God." I wanted it to be sincere and joyful. There were even little voices in my head saying I wasn't qualified or I wasn't fit to lead people to worship. However, I was called.

I was not called for my qualifications. 
I was qualified because I was called.

On July 12, 2014, God did an amazing thing that day. God knew that I wasn't capable to lead a group of people into worship... especially when I don't surrender everything to Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

By the amazing grace of God, I had this overwhelming gladness in my heart that I could not contain. That was when I knew that I was no longer leading the worship. I felt so free! In those moments that I felt weak or inadequate, God just took over. I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses because I know that my God will lead me.

A declaration that I will make for my life: I can do anything through His strength for His power is made perfect in my weakness!

It was grace that brought me here and it is grace that will carry me on.

God Wants Your List

Do you remember the story about the man who was bitten by the dog? When he learned the dog had rabies, he began making a list. The doctor told him there was no need to make a will, that rabies could be cured. "Oh, I'm not making a will," he replied. "I'm making a list of all the people I want to bite."

Couldn't we all make such a list? You've already learned, haven't you, that friends aren't always friendly? Neighbors aren't always neighborly? Some workers never work, and some bosses are always bossy?

You've already learned, haven't you, that a promise made is not always a promise kept? Even though they said "yes" on the altar, they may say "no" in the marriage.

You've already learned, haven't you, that we tend to fight back? To keep lists and snarl lips and growl at people we don't like?

God wants your list. He wants you to leave the list at the cross.

Love does not keep a record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:5 (TEV)

My Thoughts on Begin Again.

1. I vow to never ever give up on music or live with the regret that I didn't try.

2. All of it reminded me of him.

3. My heart never forgot no matter how many times I've suppressed the feeling.

4. Music, I am forever in love with you.

5. I have a dual headphone adapter so I can listen with both ears with my future significant other.

6. On one of our dates, we will walk around the streets of New York or maybe just LA listening to each other's playlists without saying a word... Just singing. and maybe some dancing.

7. Also, we must slow dance to the music we will be listening to with both our headphones

8. Future boyfriend/husband will show me the ways of songwriting.

9. I am now without a shadow of a doubt, convinced that most songs for the soul are organically written. All of the greatest songs in history started out with just a guitar or a piano.

10. I CRIED. And this usually happens because something just spoke to my soul and I really related to the movie somehow. When it's something I'm going through or have experienced, that's when I get emotional. Now I know why I didn't cry during Fault in Our Stars.

11. I want to listen to music with you and just talk about music to no end.

12. Do I ever even cross your mind at all? I can't help but wonder and maybe I'll never stop wondering.

13. Are any of your songs about me?? Or am I just going cray? And even if they are, I wouldn't believe it because who would write songs about me??

14. This is the 2nd time I cried for a movie that I watched by myself in a theater... Except now it's for a different reason and a different guy

15. Adam Levine was perfect and Lost Stars belongs in my playlist.

16. Keira Knightly was a beauty with such class. At first I was questioning whether she could sing or not but while watching the movie, I didn't even care because that wasn't the point of the story. Her voice was honest and her own. She fit so well with the whole story. And can we just take a moment to just admire her sense of fashion??

17. There were many take homes from this film that touched on what music is all about, the way a lady should dress and of course relationships.

18. However, one thing that I will not take home is the profanity.

19. Today, I was glad with how things turned out, otherwise I wouldn't have watched the movie.

20. I am looking forward to watching another movie starring Keira Knightly! LAGGIES.

--Edit--

21. Listening to the soundtrack makes me go through the movie in my head!