The Last 4 Years pt. 1

I'll never forget my very first day of college in the Philippines. The all too familiar first day jitters that came with everything else that was so new and foreign to me. Instead of white college-ruled paper, students here used yellow pad paper. Instead of 3 ring binders, they had small notebooks to take down notes. It even took me about two months to address my teachers "Ma'am" or "Sir". And after nearly 4 years, I still speak English the majority of the time and eat the same food that's not Filipino.

I'll never forget the people who have impacted my life, great or small. Whether they affected my life in a bad or good way, they shaped me and taught me many life lessons. I am forever grateful for each and every person I've crossed paths with. From the people I looked to with highest regard to those who really stretched my patience. I'll cherish the God talks, heart-to-hearts, funny stories, and all the venting about school and bad professors. So many faces come to mind as I look back and reflect on these 4 years. I reminisce on the first encounters and the mundane moments because those are probably my favorite to look back on. Everything else is already recorded and posted on Facebook and Instagram. I'll never forget the faces I see from far away, the faces I see online but fail to establish a friendship. I honestly regret not being friends with them and I have myself to blame. In my mind throughout the entire time, I would say to myself, "we could have been good friends." If you are one of those people I never got the chance to personally get to know, just know that you made a difference in my life one way or another. I don't care who you are, you are valued and I am thankful for you.

I'll never forget the sights and scenes of this country. The beautiful and the ugly. Everything. Everywhere I go, I take it all in: the smells, the heat, the pollution, the greenery, the tall buildings, and I can't believe I'm saying this but even the construction. That one is unforgettable even though I experience it back home in California, but to see construction around every corner no matter where I go, there's always something going on. If you know me, it bothered me whenever I walked around the city. A pretty funny creepy memory I'll make special mention was that night I was walking home by myself and this construction worker asked me in Tagalog where I was going home. And I just kept walking but in a faster pace with a pissed look on my face. From then on, I would be searching for safe sidewalks to embark without having to worry about creepy construction workers.

I was never much of a city girl but I somehow adjusted to the urban life. The convenience of having 2 McDonald's and 2 7-Elevens. A Pan de Manila just downstairs that leaves my lobby smelling like bread almost every day. Getting used to being called "Ma'am" when I'm only in my early 20s because hearing someone call me "Ma'am" made me sound old. Having someone greet me every time I leave my building and arrive from school. I felt comfortable although this place isn't really my true home. It wasn't my hometown. There were days I could easily hail a taxi cab and then there were days it would be a huge struggle in getting anywhere during rush hour.

So I shall continue this in more posts and for the last few months that I'm here, I will do my best to document every detailed experience that I've had here that may seem everyday to a Filipino or these writings may seem unusual and unheard of. I am only doing this for me to look back on in years to come and say to myself, "This happened?? I don't remember!" We'll see how this all turns out... until next post!

3:22 AM Thoughts

1. Why on earth am I awake? I mean, I know I can sleep late, wake up late and all because I can but I am a firm believer of having a good 5 to 8 hours of sleep. And how is that possible, you may wonder, that, as a 4th year nursing student, I can get enough sleep? Time management? Nah. I choose sleep over anything especially if my mind and body are much too tired to function which would result in poor attention span in my studies and requirements would not be done properly. A nap is definitely necessary. always. However, tonight is just something else. I have things that need to be done and here I am, procrastinating as I am typing out this post.

I am constantly learning to manage my time wisely.

2. Bryant McGill has said, "There is a difference between giving-up and strategic disengagement. Know the difference." And I like to think that my decision involving what I want to do in life (even though I don't really know as of now) is not merely giving-up. Right now, I am strategically disengaging myself because I am in pursuit of discovering myself and along the way, find out what I am capable of. I want to do something that will make me happy and most passionate. Most importantly, whatever it is that I will be doing, it will bring God the glory. And now a really good question to ask myself right now is am I bringing God the glory right now? I still have to give my 100% in whatever I am doing now or in the future because it's not for me, it's for God.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails

Proverbs 19:21

3. Tori Kelly on repeat.

Baby, you don't have to know exactly who you are
Because figuring it all out could be the best part

Don't quit your daydream
Don't forget to breathe
Who you want to be is only up to you
Sometimes you may crawl
Let them think that you're small
Cuz it's so worth the fall 
When you land where you want to

5 months more.

Walking aimlessly in circles, stuck in the same place once again. I know where I should be, where I need to be but how do I get there? Caught between what is right for everyone and what is right for me, I am still in the waiting as I search for a way out. Every corner is scrutinized for some secret lever that would open up an uncharted passage. An undiscovered path I have yet to take. Sure, it's dangerous and this vision that I have of my future is hazy but I tell myself that it is all part of the adventure. I am certain that this path is meant for me to take on whether it is right or wrong. The biggest mistake I can ever make is playing it safe. 

It is a leap of faith involving no safety net. I would be crossing a vast ocean in months time to start an exciting chapter, a new part of my life that will finally take its course. This journey is a story that's waiting to happen. Full of mistakes and tests that will make me and break me. I am ready for a life that will not be easy as I enter a whole new world of responsibilities and obligations. Of course, the misadventures in the midst of the adventures are bound to happen. And that's how I would step into the adult world. With a child-like faith and a fresh yet different perspective, I'll take on life's challenges and never ever forget to have fun. Laugh at myself and be silly once in awhile. I suppose, in a way, I would not be your average grown up because in my heart, I don't think I'll ever grow up. 

Going back to the same place I've been, I relish this moment that will soon become a blur. A memory that I can hold on to until it is boxed away, out of sight. For now, I reflect on today for it is a precious gift that is often taken for granted. I am too much of a dreamer to not plan and ready myself for what I cannot avoid. Soon and very soon, I shall leave the comforts and safety of my nest of a home. 

I only have 5 months more.

The Value of Friendship

Throughout the first day of my exams, I had a heavy heart and was unsure as to why I felt that way. By the time I reached the door of my unit, I was in tears. I felt broken and just confused with what happened earlier in the week. My tears turned into cries then eventually into uncontrollable sobs. The reason for grieving is not as important as what I want to share with you here.

God has impeccable timing because He held everything together for me and helped me brave my exams until I got home (without Him, I think I would have been crying in the middle of my exams). When I entered my place, I saw that my friend left notes and her cupcake for me, and guess what? that made me cry even more! (I am such a crybaby!) I love how God uses people in my life to speak to me and shows His love for me even if it's in the smallest way, I greatly appreciate those moments.

My friend wrote me a letter that reads:

           You are a fighter! A warrior princess says the Lord. "Prepare the horse for the day of battle." The things you are experiencing now are meant to get you ready to fight! You'll be facing a lot of great battles but remember that it is not the horse or sword that will hold you up and deliver you on the day of trouble but the Lord Jesus Christ!

          Call upon Him and shout His name! Declare your identity in Christ in front of your enemies! Like David said in Psalms 23, "You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies!" While the enemies try to distract you, you just "dine with Jesus!" Fellowship with Him. Enjoy His presence! He loves you ETERNALLY, not just "to the moon and back." lol

And it didn't stop there. She really gave me a surprise! And this was on her birthday too!

Upper right: she recently learned what bae actually means. Lower left: a representation of my friend's birthday from last year and this year... there's still a balloon like last year! Lower right: she left around 5 of these post-it notes around my place!

It is such a blessing to have friends who push you closer to God and I believe relationships like that are important to have. The value of friendship is just as important as that of family and much greater than any value we put on love relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends, especially when Jesus is at the center. Sometimes, I might have every reason to feel bitter towards someone or jealous and picking sides, talking behind their backs, but Jesus removes all of that. Each day He gradually changes my heart and allows me to forgive and love others despite what I should feel and even if it doesn't make sense. I value friendship so much to let any outside force break it, because I wouldn't want to lose a friend over little drama and tensions that happen. His love makes me want to love others and just share it! Soon enough, you will forget yourself meaning that it was never about you all along. You will see that there is a greater, bigger picture and God is doing something behind the scenes. It's more than about your life and how you personally feel but about God and other people who are strategically placed in your life. And all you want to do is be a part of what God is doing just to give Him the glory. There is so much more to life than the temporary things of this world.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."

Philippians 2:3-5

That was what my friend reminded me that day when I came home: the beauty of friendships and His love that conquers all. 

All Along (Psalm 51:12)

You were the One I've been waiting for. The Love of my heart's desire, the Joy of my salvation. Why did I have to wait when You were waiting for me all along? You are the One true Love that is perfect and abounding that has unfailingly won my fickle heart over and over. Yet, You still love me despite the countless times I have ran away looking for love in the wrong places, seeking satisfaction in the things of this temporary world. When in fact, happiness was not the need for it was the joy I have desired all along. It can never be found anywhere or in anything of this world but in the Giver of joy Himself. It is when I take delight in my Father and Savior that He restores to me the joy of my salvation. I carry on as I fervently and earnestly seek You above all else with no ulterior motive for my heart knows that it longs for the eternal. As I run to You, there my heart will be pressing on through barriers that hold me to keep me away from You. And when I fall, let it be in the arms of Your love that carries me as a father cradles his daughter to sleep.

You have won the victory in each of my battles in every season. All this time, it was never with my own strength alone but by Your power that pulled me through trials and temptations. I look to the One who is jealous for me and lavishly loves His daughter. I smile from ear to ear at the thought of just how much my Father loves me. I lift my hands as an act of surrender that yearns for His embrace. I want nothing more than the joy and the spirit of freedom.

Every day may You ever be the constant that reminds me that it is Your love. Each moment may You be in the quiet places I find myself in.

Tonight, I was beautifully reminded that it was You all along.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (Ps. 51:12)